Third Avenue Photography: one year

I'm always excited about New Year's Eve. I don't usually write down a resolution, but will think about things I want to do and goals I have. I get excited for the new year. Not this year. I didn't want to see 2011 go and was actually dreading 2012. At first I wasn't sure why I was dreading it so much, but realized it was because I didn't want to let ago of the last year I had time with my dad.

(my wedding | 2005)

One year ago today I lay next to my dad with my hand on his chest and felt his heart stop beating. One minute I was laughing and talking, celebrating the life of my younger sister and minutes later I was next to my dad tears streaming down my face telling him goodbye. "Letting him go"... and hoping that he could actually hear me. That cold blizzard night feels like it was just a few months ago, not a whole year. As my mom and siblings and I surrounded my dad that night it didn't feel real. I kept checking over and over to see if he was really gone. Many times it still doesn't feel real. I keep waiting for him to knock on my door, send an email, or walk up the stairs at home. There's so much I want to tell him and show him.

In Bible study last week I listened to Beth Moore talk about how anguish and joy can coexist (James 1:2). That's exactly how I felt when my dad died. I was in anguish, yet joyful that he was no longer in pain, but in heaven with our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. She also talked about how anguish and joy can trade places. When my Grandma died in 2009, anguish and joy traded places as my daughter was born 6 months later. The same thing happened when my son was born 3 months after my dad died. Another of her points was that anguish is meant to lead to a birth (John 16:20-22). "If you will trust God with your anguish it will birth something precious to you." I'm trusting God and will continue to. Even if I never understand why my dad had to go while I was only 25 and miss so much of his children's and grandchildren's lives, I KNOW God has a plan and a purpose and it's perfect and I trust Him.

I didn't have all the pictures I wanted on my computer, so I may update this again when I get my hands on some more...